Trepidations, mind numbing heartlessness makes my throat choked today with tears threatening to usher but my ego saves me from this wastage. A heart delineated because somebody decides to be forgetful towards you. That somebody makes you question your existence. This somebody is not the love of your life, this somebody is not your best friend. This somebody is a person you have known a long long time now.
I feel betrayed, yes! Betrayed by my father, who created me and left me with a crowd. It is getting crowded here with more and more people even less concerned with me. My choking is a temporary situation but the ultimate feeling of being trapped is my constant partner. How can I be trapped in this big open world? How can I not get enough space to breathe, to be myself? My conscious conjures up an image of a dog abandoned by its “doting owner”, out there to fend for itself. My soul relates to it.
Now, some people call me crazy. “You are going crazy!” “You are changing!” “You have gone crazier!” My dear people, this is my most humble request, please, don’t call me crazy, I’m the same, I’m the same I used to be when I was a child. I still believe the crowd cares about me. And also that the now called “crowd” are the very same people I have known ‘long long time’. You changed! You forgot! I’m the same dog, who loves you as much. Why are you abandoning me?
How little does it take for the crowd to belittle my being. How little does it know my being. My being belongs to the crowd. I am crowd! Maybe a little quirky crowd as they keep pushing me to be something I’m not, keep trying to mend my ways. Train me! I am trained to become part of this crowd. Do you ask me if I want to see these traits in me? Do you consider giving me an opportunity to use the feature of reason that has been ever present in me. I know you will say yes! Yes we let you, we suggest that you do.
But no! oh my dear crowd, you don’t let me use MY reason. You want your training, you want your trained piece to form crowd. You want me to be crowd. You say, but you don’t do. I want to belong, I want to be loved, and who doesn’t want it? Will I have to become just like you to belong?
I have tried that, tried to be part of you but I’m, oh, so sorry to have a soul and a mouthpiece connected directly to my own reason. I will keep going. You tried your best to train. But this time, YOU FAILED!
